We make this so much harder than it needs to be. We silently suffer through things that could be cleared up very quickly with a few questions or explanations. Instead we choose to stay silent around our significant other and our group of trusted peers. Choosing to suffer, to stew, and to be secretive. Let us not complicate this. All we need is to ask the real questions on intimacy, even the hard ones. Going to work at understanding the deeper more unique nature of each other will create the most incredible dynamic. It will give you freedom that you could only imagine about in your wildest dreams.
What I would tell my young married self:
- You are responsible for you. Your body is His and He is yours but you are responsible for communicating correctly about it and what you need from the other person. If he needs something from you He is responsible to tell you. Trying to anticipate and guess and be in front of it will only wear you both out and leave you unsatisfied.
- Make your bedroom a haven. So often the bedroom is the last room we decorate, finish and use. It should be the opposite. This is the haven for your marriage. It is the place to escape chores, work, devices, and the outside world. For years, and I mean years, I would haul the laundry baskets into our bedroom. My mistake was realized only after running ragged one day and coming upstairs to rest. There on the bed sat three loads of unfolded laundry. I could not even lie down. I urge you to make this space work for you and your significant other. Let it be soothing, and romantic. There is nothing sexy about piles of laundry and stacks of clutter. I suddenly saw the problem and the solution that day with the laundry. Our room needed to be a place that spoke to us and that encouraged connection. almost over night, I realized our room was the tone for our romantic life. I changed everything. I wanted my husband and I to walk in to our bedroom for the space to breathe life into our relationship. No harsh colors, no clutter or distractions. Everything we had, we had to love. The bed sheets were upgraded, candles were bought, visual space was marked out and no devices became a mandatory rule. I still struggle with the habit of throwing all the clean laundry in the bedroom but I am doing better and it is doing wonders for our marriage and romance.
- Choose to have a no shame and no blame policy.
When someone is opening up to you on the topic of anything sexual you do not want to shame and blame them. By all means we are called to hold each other accountable. We are all better human beings when we rise up in all of life and we do this unwaveringly. It just means no condemnation. In shaming someone, It will create a closed off and painfully negative experience. They will never approach you again about it, and silently struggle to a dangerous zone. To be a safe place to land about this struggle is sexy in and of itself.
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,