Identity

Identity

Just a few short years ago I went through a massive personal crisis. I had given up my life career to take on another dream. Motherhood. I loved it. I had prayed for it. I was living it the absolute best way too. I mean, I knew my kids sleep schedules, I faithfully read to them, and created boundaries for proper development. I was loosing myself. But, as I said before, I loved it. After all, didn’t Christ say “to lose was to gain?”

What I didn’t expect was to meet someone a few years ahead of me and that to see her wondering around in her existence would rock me influentially. She had done something similar to her life as I had. Yet being a few year ahead of me, now that her children were in a different place and no longer needed her, she was “lost.”

What now?

For someone who loves this question (I am an excellence coach after all) the fear that gripped me was a new one! Instead of seeing her dilemma as an opportunity to grow, I saw her situation and panicked. Like a deer in headlights. Like a kid on halloween night. Like my toddler when he thought there was a real tooth fair and had a screaming meltdown that he didn’t want sissy to put her tooth under the pillow because no one should come sneaking in to his sisters room in the middle of the night! Not even fairies! That is the kind of panic I had.

I would question my value, and my identity for close to four straight months after this incident. What was I doing? What would I do?

Push forward to a new season and goal setting and I had absolutely no motivation. “My role could be replaced. My job, millions do. My value, only God knows.” I was not in a good spot, and my husband was worried. Right in the middle of this, someone else shared a story with me.

What they said at the end of their story brought me to a huge “aha moment” and as you plan out your 2020, I hope it can help you create magical moments for your self.

“My Identity had been centered on what I did, what I could create, make better, and do. The problem is that changes. What is my true value if I can shift it or not do it and it doesn’t matter? What I didn’t realize is that I needed to ground myself in what doesn’t change. My value doesn’t change just because my role does.”  — quote from anonymous friend

However so often this is what society tells us.

Example:

  • If your good at something, you get more notice and possibly more money. Therefore my value is worth more.

This is where my role shift started to create fear. I was not being noticed, I was not making more money, and my job would be nonexistent in a little over 13 years.

But wait…

“My value doesn’t change just because my role does.” 

Do not create your identity on things that can shift! Ok. So what doesn’t shift? I mean, the whole world shifts!

The son doesn’t….Wait I meant sun. But actually….The Son doesn’t!

If you are a believer than you know,

“…living life with Jesus makes you better at living life.”  – Andy Stanley

And this is probably the biggest reason it does. He grounds you. When the world is spinning, when the stock market goes up or down, or your phone need updates and crashes, and your roles shifts at home. You are still His!

Your are:

John 15: 15.      Christ’s friend.

Gal.4:  6-7.         An heir of God.

Col.3: 12.            Chosen of God, holy, and dearly beloved.

1Pet.2: 5.           One of God’s living stones and being built up, in Christ, as a spiritual house.

1Pet.2: 9-10.     A chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession

This does not change!

Goal setting and even the formation of certain lifestyles without knowing who you are creates a lack of motivation. Worse than that, it creates fear. One of the biggest enemies in life is fear and it is on the rise.

Anxiety is one of the leading diagnosis right now, and 95% of teens say they are worried every day.  Could it be we are struggling to see who we are? If you are struggling with motivation could it possibly be that you have stepped into the trap? The trap of believing you are what you achieve or do.

Once you know who you are, no matter what circumstance comes your way you can meet it with confidence and peace. Sure footed and grounded in the knowledge that you are loved, important, valued, and royal! That is a great place to start for creating the formations of ones life and the goals for ones year.

2 Thessalonians 3:16 

16 Now may the Lord of peace himself give you his peace at all times and in every situation. The Lord be with you all.

Celebrate Now!

Celebrate Now!

Life can be so hard at times. Things can be thrown at you that you are unprepared for, and that knocks the wind right out of you. Things that despite your best efforts you have no control over.

I have a saying personally about this.

“We don’t get to write our stories. God does that. But it is what we do with our story that matters!”

I know from experience that it is said every third sentence is negative in some way. And as I become more and more aware of it I am in awe with how often people focus on what is missing versus what they have.

Examples:

  • Complains about wanting a new car, even though they have three.
  • So sad and focused on the fact that someone is missing a family gathering and not focusing on the people that did get to come.
  • Complaining about being sick in pregnancy, failing to see the beauty of growing life!
  • Saying that the next year they will have a lot to celebrate but have nothing to celebrate right now.
  • A lack of health is a hard one because someone was complaining about being sick the other day and I felt like maybe they had a “right” to be negative. And then I thought about the joy in my niece right now despite chemo therapy and being very sick. She loves life so much! Everything is an adventure in her eyes. She is doing hard things right now and still she smiles more than all the rest!

We get to choose our attitude and how we are going to walk out our stories in life. We can either be sad or we can be joyful in all circumstances. We can find things to complain about in almost every single thing in life. Or we can choose to see the silver lining in it and celebrate! Do not wait till it is perfect or till everyone can finally show up. Because it won’t happen and you will walk around waiting your entire life to celebrate!

We have a New Years party every year and whoever shows up, whoever joins in, we meet them right where we are and we celebrate! We eat pizza, we drink Champagne, and we laugh. We ring in the next season with joy of where we are and the possibilities of where we are going.

As you step into 2020, Are you going to choose to celebrate this season? Where you are right now! Can you see beauty in where you find yourself? Are you missing out on some of the wonderful things amidst the trials and struggles and hustle?

Life is so unbelievably beautiful. Sensing the beauty is the biggest healer of negativity. Let us all start appreciating the things which we find ourselves in, instead of crying over things which aren’t. START MEDITATING. START CELEBRATING! Bring in some “Happy Realizations.” Do not allow others negativity to start a running contest of who “has it worst.”

Brene Brown says it perfectly. “Don’y get me wrong — we all take turns being frustrated and exhausted. We’re human. Our motto is “you’re free to piss and moan — just do it with a little perspective.” Works like a charm!”

Romans 15: 13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Psalms 47:1 Clap your hands, all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy.

This New Years I am focusing on purging negativity in my life. Part of that is seeing the beauty in everything and experiencing joy in the ordinary. A normal life can be pretty extraordinary. Happy 2020!

 

Believe

Believe

The Holidays roll around and with it a word. Sometimes whispered sometimes punched out on a Polar Express Ticket and sometimes shouted out by a toddler. The word is “Believe”. It is suppose too evoke a kind of magical awe in the individual saying it and encourage them.

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But what if it is hard to Believe? What if you’re scared? What if you are going through something really hard? What if you don’t like the way the belief is playing out? What if stepping out of the boat and being brave causes you to sink, to never recover? Fear is the enemy of trust and belief. When we choose this over faith we will always miss out on the magic of the season God has called forward for.

My Daughter said something the other day. When she said it I could see fear rising up. She was thinking about getting old just like her Great-Grandma. She was grappling with belief. She is six years old.

“Mommy, when you die will you be buried in the ground or in Heaven?” 

“Daddy, How can Jesus be in heaven and in our hearts at the same time?”

Belief is beautiful. Faith is trust. And as we come into the holidays it seems everyone has an abundance of it. But sometimes believing is hard. It carries weight. In the Bible, there is a story about a man who had incredible faith and obedience. But he also grappled with fear. Let’s take a look at the story of Abraham.

Abraham wanted a son. He had begged God for one and had even tried to manifest it in his own way. Apparently, patience was not a virtue for him. Yet, in the middle of all of this we are told Abraham was suddenly overcome by fear.

I love this part of the story because anytime I feel lead to step out in a “new way” or a “big way” or in a “trust way” fear comes knocking! This story helps me realize that this is not a new thing but a very old one that all of us face.

Genesis 15: 1

The Lord’s Covenant With Abram

1After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision:

“Do not be afraid, Abram.

I am your shield, a

 

Here we see that God instructs him to not be fearful. To walk boldly because He is his shield. He is protecting him. He literally is a piece of armor infont of him. God was telling Abraham that he was covering him in all the right places and that He would survive this and not only that but that Abraham would thrive!

Proverbs 30:5

5“Every word of God is flawless;

he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.

Are you in place in your life where you don’t think you’ll make it? Has life’s battle field caused you to be beaten down. Are you questioning if you are bleeding out spiritually, emotionally or physically? Do you feel like you are laid bare before the battle field?

God told Abraham that he was covered in all the right places and that he was in a vital spot to survive.

Genesis 15: 4-6

…your very great reward. b

5He took him outside and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring d be.”

6Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

He was a credited in righteousness because He believed! He trusted God’s hand was at work and that He would accomplish what He said He would, period the end. That is it, nothing else. If you have a battle going on and you are hustling so very diligently are you trusting in God that he has you covered in this season? Have you picked up your shield? Your war may not end but you will be protected by God himself!

As you think about the nativity, Jesus, faith and Mary’s trust, this season I hope it gives you courage. That you remember that in your season you too can be credited in Righteousness. All you have to do is, Believe! He is able!

Romans 4:20-24

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. 22This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” 23The words “it was credited to him” were written not for him alone, 24but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. 25He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.

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No Longer Legal

No Longer Legal

On one particular “girl nights” this past summer I played one of those question games where you get to know people better. Things like, “If you were a unicorn what would you do?” or “If we were all in a fire who would be best equipped to handle the exit strategy?” All of these questions were really funny but the answers made them even funnier! This little game however led my husband and I to use one of the questions in a very different capacity.

As most of you know, we speak, write and encourage couples on relationship success, lifestyle, and high performance living.  One of the questions on that specific night loaned itself to some incredible insight.

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“If you could make one legal thing no longer legal what would it be?” 

The answers on the night of that ladies trip were broad and humorous. What was interesting was that this particular question sat in my mind for a while. It kept coming back up for me but in totally different ways. It caused me to think further and more profoundly on the matter of what we choose to allow to dictate space and ideas as ok in our lives.

The thought that I kept coming back to was, what we allow to be “legal” in our lives that shouldn’t be. Things we absorb and the things we deem ok. These ideas and concepts that  for whatever reason we just take as fact and acceptable. They are not good, right, or beneficial in any way. Things  and phrases like “marriage is hard,” verbal assault under the blanket of “constructive feedback,” violence in any form, hate, malnutrition. All of these things are things we should deem “No Longer Legal.”

When I rattle off this list most of us would say we would love to have all of those things eradicated from our lives.  Yet, personally we malnourish ourselves all the time, we hate any and every single opinion that is different from our own, and we orally assault ourselves with negativity that we would never ever let anyone else say.

So I ask again, What legal thing should you make no longer legal in your life? Not in any way should you accept this, not from others or from your self. Choose to say enough.

Things like:

  • verbal assault
  • hate
  • negative venting
  • gossip
  • malnutrition
  • substance medicating
  • rudeness
  • judgement
  • unhealthy thoughts that don’t serve you
  • negative feedback
  • arrogance

None of these things are loving. And like Carrie Underwood says: “We believe that in the end love wins!”

Creating Exceptional standards for what we are going to allow in our lives will help us to live more fully! So what standards are you making for yourself and for your relationships?

Galatians 5: 22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
+++ If you enjoy these concepts and would like to have Steve and Kate as special guests on a podcast, blog, or to speak at an event near you go checkout An Exceptional Romance for further information on how to engage with these authors!

How to say “Yes and No” to Optimize Your Relationships

I am very good at saying the word “no”. I say that not to boast but because I have two friends that say it to me a lot. “Your very good at saying no.” These are loving people who think the best of me and mean well. They are giving me a compliment. Basically they are saying they admire my discipline to say “No” to things that are not going to benefit me and my family. Sometimes the no is for “not right now” and sometimes it is a no for forever. Saying NO is a very good skill to be able to have. It creates space in your life. It takes a ton of discipline to do well. There are so may wonderful things I’d love to do right now that I have had to say no to. All of them are wonderful things!

Here is the secret I use when it is so hard to say no. When you want to help the teacher out at school but you know you don’t have the bandwidth, or run the half marathon despite your knee is giving you issues and you have a nursing baby. What about when you want to go on a trip you can’t really afford. (All of these things have come up personally in the last month for me, besides a nursing baby 😉 ) There is a certain tool I use that helps do this the best. What is the the secret for when you want to learn french but also read piles of novels, be available for tennis lessons, yoga and a small group? The concept that changes everything is: Focus on saying “YES”.

It might sound counter productive but it is a perspective shift that will change your life. I don’t see myself as a “no” person. No is a catchy word that is really in right now. I mean it is as much a thing as productivity journals and pumpkin spice lattes. If you are anywhere near the self-help industry or a mom circle in any way you hear about this often. Personally, I believe the focus on this is overrated. My girlfriends say it is because I can say it that it isn’t really a big deal for me. I have another theory. When my friends seem overwhelmed or have said “Yes” to too much, they are talking to me about my ability to say no as a gift. I think they have it confused. No, is so you can say Yes!

I don’t focus on saying no. To me it has a negative view point. “No I can’t help.” “No, No, Don’t do that.” “No, we aren’t going out tonight, we already ate out this week.”  “No, you can’t do five sport activities this summer.” “No, I am not available.”

Instead I focus on what I am saying Yes to. “We are not going out tonight because we are gonna get to go to the beach next week and eat out everyday!!” “I can’t help with ______, because I am already helping with _____, and I am really passionate about ______.”  “I am not gonna do five extra curricular things this fall because instead we are going to go hiking, camping, pick apples, find a sunflower field and learn to bike ride!”

I tell my clients that if they can’t say no, the world will fill them up so much that they will never be able to say Yes to what they are meant for. Instead of focusing on all the “No’s” in your life – what you can’t do, say, be apart of, fix, or buy, let’s focus on your “Yes.”

  • What are you saying “yes” to?
  • What or who do you want to say yes to more?

But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’… Mathew 5:37

For me, My biggest Yes is always to my husband. Then my kids and so forth. What I mean is that if I can say Yes to them, I do. If I can’t it is my red flag I haven’t said No somewhere where I should have.

Example: Let’s say my husband says “Can we have sex tonight?”

If my answer is “No” to my husband, what have I said yes to that day that has helped create that answer? Did I say yes to too much tv and now it is too late? Did I say yes to giving too much attention to my crying toddler? (Who is perfectly capable of soothing himself.) Now I have no energy. Have I said yes to too much work and chores and not enough “yes” to a workout and me time and now I want to read in bed instead?

  • Who are the people you want to always say yes to? Ex: husband, family, sister, a certain friend
  • What are the top things in your life you never want to say No to? Ex: Exercise, healthy eating, a certain charity, a certain vacation every year.

“Life is about who is holding your hand and, I think, whose hand you commit to holding.”  ― Taylor Jenkins Reid

 

Dear Journal

Dear Journal

Fall 2019

I have a head cold. I’ll be honest I’m happy about it. I can cancel on obligations and stay home from church. I can let me husband take charge without feeling like I am leaving him to do all the heavy lifting. I can exhale. No guilt involved. I can stay in my pj’s and drink tea all day without feeling like I am being lazy. I instead can give myself the thoughts that I am giving myself the gift of health and recovery.

I am learning the art of “being”. As I work on this, I realize I have been in a season where it’s not ok to do this. That in our world, “being” is considered irresponsibility with one’s time. However, my body, mind, and emotions are screaming for nothingness. I have been in a season of serving. A season where if I sit I must also be doing. Example. I sit down on the couch. If I do this, I must be watching something, texting someone, listening to or encouraging of…  But guess what? It is O.K. to not. To be proactive and to be doing constantly is exhausting. Exhausting to a level you can’t describe. You only know you have it.

But the world says:

“Create the things you wish existed.”

“I’ve got a dream worth more than my sleep.”

“Success is not owned it’s rented and the rent is due everyday.”

My head was killing me yesterday and so I stood in the kitchen dazed. With an ache that went far beyond my head. And for 10 solid blissful minutes I sipped my tea and watched my kids play “puppies”. (This is where one child gets down on all fours and pretends to be the puppy, running around playing and throwing my fall pillows everywhere, while the other child play’s the role of owner, taking care of the puppy and telling the puppy “No, NO! and sit”.)

As I stood there. Just stood, I could feel myself becoming rejuvenated. It was utter delight. 10 mintues of NOTHING. No emails. No texting. No instagram scrolling. No list making or menu planning. When was the last time I did that? When in my life have I taken the time and just received it? Where I didn’t try and push back or fill the space with something.

I read a quote a few days ago that said, “Less Hustle, More Grace.”  – Hilary Rushford. It spoke to my core. I am choosing this. More reading, less technology. More home time, less child extra curricular. More cooking, less running. More puzzles, less productive projects. More being, less doing.

I have piles and piles of blogs and posts and writings on doing, productivity, time managment and going the distance. After all, I am a personal coach. My job is all about motivation! But so often we fail. I fail. We fail to see, that in a world that screams “Go! Go! Do! Do!” God has been wispering to our hearts “You just have to be. Be Grateful. Be kind. Be Mine!”

This fall I am focusing on less. Less mess, chaos, and deadlines. Less exhaustion. The interesting fact is, that as I do this I gain more. More rhythm, more peace, more inspiration, more energy, more authenticity, more joy.

What are you focusing on this Fall?

 

Marriage Versus Motherhood

Marriage Versus Motherhood

With this week being the week after we love on all the mom’s and the mothering figures in our lives I felt it only appropriate to share some of my thoughts on the balancing act of the roles of motherhood and my romantic relationship.

The big point in this post is the honor we have as mothers. It is beautuful but it is also dangerous at times for our marriages. We can very quickly focus on our role as mother over the role that made us one. The danger of that is we can loose our romantic lives in the process.

Your kids more than likely came after your marriage and they must ALWAYS stay there.  I don’t care if you have a miracle baby who is only eight months old and your still nursing him.  Get a babysitter!  Break up with that child.  One day that kid will yell at you, will go off to college, marry another, and create a new family.  Where will you be with your marriage?  The best advice we ever got on this subject was from a couple who didn’t have children.  The reason we took the advice?  They were on the outside and could see stuff that all of us who had kids couldn’t see.  We were in it, we were blinded, we were tired, and we were busy.  It was the best advice. Make sure your marriage always stays in front of your kids.

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I am a mother to a miracle child and what we call our “bonus baby”.  I had high risk pregnancies with both of them and we are lucky we have them at all.  They are my pride and joy.  My special bonus.  My dream that I cried and deeply feared would never be a reality.  And I became a lioness when they were born.  No one could care for them the way I could.  If I had not taken this advice to heart I know for a fact Steve and I would be in a challenging spot.

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However, our marriage must come first. Your babies will be better off when you prioritize your husband.  Your marriage can be a thriving, dynamic and energizing machine, while raising children. When the kids head out on their own, you won’t be devastated and unaware of what to do with yourself.  Trust me, you both will be much better parents for putting each other above all other relationships, including your children. 

 

Proverbs 31:28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.