We have a new puppy in our house and one of the biggest things we are teaching him is “Stay” and “O.K.” (His release word.) Loyalty is big in dogs but “staying” must be taught. Dogs have a sense to run for many reasons and often times they are good ones. We humans could learn a few things on how to train ourselves in our “staying and leaving” powers.
The word “exodus” from the Greek word, Exodos means, “the road out”. In the land of slavery some of the Israelites wanted to go back. To “stay” as it was when God was releasing them to go. Instead they wanted to continue in starvation, abuse, mistreatment and disrespect. All of us at some point in time have felt like we need to stay in and around a place which in fact is NOT where we should be. This is when an exodus must happen, a holy release from what you see as loyalty is in fact bondage.
” The older you get the more you just want to be surrounded by good people. People that are good for you, good to you, and good for your soul.”
This quote struck me hard last year in a season when I was feeling very very dry emotionally and spiritually. It called out to me. I wanted to absorb it immediately and I pushed back hard out of fear of selfishness. Because, Isn’t Jesus’ love for ALL not just “good” people. Didn’t He heal people that weren’t good to him and treasure all of us despite sin? We are called to love our enemies and to serve the “not so good”. So when is it time to step away from something or someone, if ever?
In a “cancel society” it is easy to shut people, organizations, and differing ideas out in the name of “our health”. Giving people an “out” on thinking differently, pushing through hard, loving our spouses over divorcing, and choosing church over our couches. So I want to be very clear when tackling this topic. Does the Bible talk about walking away and if it does when do we do it?
I was raised in a southern, christian, traditional home and with that the ideas of serving, loyalty above all else, and that staying is POWER came with my upbringing. Leaving, quitting, and canceling was not an option. In a sense, we were raised to be like Golden retrievers for the cause. Loyal above all else.
Because of this mindset, my family, only ever decided to choose to leave one environment that no longer served us. It wasn’t a move that forced us to change something. It wasn’t the logistics of life moving on or even sickness, or others walking away from us. No, this decision that we made to exit, leave, and cancel was ours to make and it had a profound mark in my story. So much so that when I had a mentee ask me when is it o.k. to leave church, your marriage, and even your family I had the answer immediately.
In this blog I’d like to discuss three very clear points of when it is it time to walk away even when you have been “raised to stay”:
1.) Abuse – in any form is not allowed and “the road out” should be utilized quickly! Christ stood up for those who were mistreated, marginalized and abused.
Examples are Jesus flipping money tables over when people abused the house of God is one example. Giving people the parameters of when divorce is allowed (sexual abuse in the form of cheating) is another. Christ also chose to stand up for the woman caught in sin, but was being humiliated physically and emotionally in front of a crowd (abuse). These are all signs of Christ’s stance on abusive relationships and how it was to be handled. There are countless laws in the old testament to keep misrepresentation and abuse out of relationships when it came to children, women, and neighbors, and even servants. Christ went to the cross and took all our abuse so we wouldn’t have to. Here is a list of abuse that you must exit from.
- Sexual abuse – this kind of abuse goes against our hearts, emotions and bodies. Run from this and find help whether you are the abuser or the abused!
- Physical abuse – Assault, hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, hair-pulling, biting, pushing, rough handling, Scalding and burning, Physical punishments, Inappropriate or unlawful use of restraint, Making someone purposefully uncomfortable, Involuntary isolation or confinement, Misuse of medication (e.g. over-sedation) , Forcible feeding or withholding food, restricting movement. This list I got on line and does not have everything but any kind of abuse in this nature needs an immediate exit and a counselor.
- Emotional abuse – This one can be hard to address because it is harder to explain as you can often not “see it” but is felt. Still it is very important to leave this type of abuse. Preventing the expression of choice and opinion, failure to respect privacy, Intimidation, coercion, harassment, use of threats, humiliation, bullying, swearing or verbal abuse, addressing a person in a patronising or infantilising way, threats of harm or abandonment.
- Spiritual abuse – Any attempt to exert power and control over someone using religion, faith, or beliefs can be spiritual abuse and is NOT of God. Spiritual abuse can happen within a religious organization or a personal relationship even in a home and can be hard to find when scripture is mis-used to back the idea’s or thoughts of such abuse.
- Financial abuse – Undue pressure, duress, threat or undue influence put on the person in connection with loans, wills, property, inheritance or financial transactions. Withholding or over use personally at the expense of another. This is a common abuse spoken of in marriage counseling and seen in the church at large.
- Technological abuse – This form of abuse is a newer one on the list but includes the use of technology to control, stalk and or ignore human rights. Technological abuse can happen to people of all ages, but it is more common among teenagers who use technology and social media and interact in a manner often unmonitored by adults
2.) Leaving and cleaving –
There are two times in scripture that is talked about when we should leave relationships and cleave to something else entirely.
- Genesis 2: 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. - Studies show that couples who aren’t adhering to the leave and cleave theory are more susceptible to divorce. Leaving and cleaving refers to leaving your old family unit (your mother and father) to form and to come together (cleave) to your new partner to form a new family. This is when you leave. It is a commandment.
- Deuteronomy 10:23 Thou shalt fear the LORD thy God; him shalt thou serve, and to him shalt thou cleave, and swear by his name. No one else should come before God. Exit all else.
3.) The ministry is no longer serving God but becoming a distraction from Him.
The last point of when we leave or exit is the most grey line to discuss. I would like to point out the story of Paul and Barnabas. The story is well known to bible scholars across the world as a deep divide. No reconciliation was written about to our knowledge. It is not an example of cancel society necessarily but more of a way in how to exit something well. Conflict in any form should not distract us from our respective efforts of what Christ has called us too. If it does, like Paul and Barnabas we are to exit from each-other for the benefit of the faith. There will always be times when we will disagree in matters of opinion, politics, faith, doctrine, family expectations and roles. The important thing is to keep focused on doing the will of Christ. That is what Paul and Barnabas both did. As a result they were not distracted by fighting but focused on the individual goal of what they each needed to do. If what you are doing is creating more conflict than help for the Body of Christ, it is time to part ways rather than create greater conflict and a misrepresentation of unity and the love of God. This is the “agree to disagree “, or “better to walk away than fight method.” that God calls us to. It is about brotherly love, peace, and the unity that God calls us all too. Are you fighting with someone over something you need to just exit from? Follow this example.
Lastly before you choose to leave/exit anything decide what God has called you to stay in. Leaving is an important part of walking in faith. God has released us from hate, malice, sin and selfishness, so that we can cleave (stay) with our spouses and God in extreme loyalty. We are to exit abuse in all forms and also our family of origins with respect. We are also called to stay and fight for righteousness, goodness, and love.
Here is a pledge you can use when deciding what to stay in and what God is calling you to exit from:
*note: use of multiple sources to create this pledge was used but the book I am a church member was the original source/draft for thoughts on this:
I am a wife/sister/church member (__label what you want to “cancel”__), I must function as such. I will serve. I will seek to bless. I will honor God in this role he has given me. I will see it as a privilege and treat it as such. I will not allow others in anyway to water down my role _______(label what you want to “cancel”)__. I will pray for those at the other end of me in this role. I will lead my family to be good wives/ siblings/ church
members (again label what you want to quit.) I will not allow abuse of any nature to taint this role and I will exit anything that threats this. I will not ignore the local church in the role that it plays in this but seek out growth and how to serve as Christ taught in His word. I will stay, as I am called too and leave and cleave the way scripture dictates. And I will stand in who I was made to be as a (__label what you want to “cancel”__) with the power of Jesus Christ.
Creating Exceptional 