Many of us struggle with the concept of forgiveness, confession, and reconciliation. Often in Christian circles they are explained in a loop and a three part requirement to our faith.
I would love to take this post to help clarify and give my personal thoughts on the matter. Forgiveness we know doesn’t take anyone else but, ourselves to decide. We can choose to forgive anyone at any time and people of faith are commanded to do so. (Col 3:13) It may take a process of acknowledging the harm done to you, recognizing the emotions the behavior had against you, and releasing the power that the offending situation had in your life. Forgiveness is not about pretending it didn’t happen nor is it without effort and often times continually speaking it over the hurt. It is a serious decision that you make over and over again.
Often when people are seeking forgiveness from someone they will “confess” to get you to forgive them. This is when a little kid comes up to another kid and says “sorry”. Confession is good (James 5:16) and if someone gives this to you it is to your great benefit to continue the forgiveness journey. However it is not a blanketed cover for these individuals to be reconciled to you. This just one part of the process and many have a hard time fully grasping. It has been taught that we are to “live in peace if it is at all possible” and that peacemakers are blessed. (Romans 12:18 Matt 5: 8) but confession is only the first step.
Repentance is the second part and often not seen. Repentance is in the person’s heart and it is revealed through action. To repent is to do a 180 flip from the wrongful action. A criminal can “confess” to a crime and still go out and do it again. That is confession but not repentance. Repenting is in the heart and revealed over time once someones actions prove they have turned from the actions that cause harm. This is what Jesus is saying when he tells the woman they were to stone to “go and sin no more”. (John 8:11) Repentance is what we want when a toddler bites another kid or steals their toy and confessing the wrong is part of teaching them this but it is also why someone can teach apologies for a lifetime and yet keeps hurting. Now that we know the difference between confession and repentance lets move on to the next phase.
A reconciled relationship takes two people, where forgiveness takes only you. Jesus saved all but it takes you and me to make the choice to be reconciled back to him. This is where it is your decision to reconcile some-one back to you after they have hurt you. Confessing their wrong to you also doesn’t mean you should have them back in your life. *Think an abusive person emotionally, physically or even spiritually who wants you to be back in good standing with you. Forgiveness is an inward discipline and even a commandment and should be given swiftly and often. However, reconciliation is an outward process and not dictated by the offender. Until repentance is visible through someones actions, reconciliation should be given with extreme caution.
2 Corinthians 7:9-10
As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
If someone has offended you remember they don’t dictate the choice of reconciliation and without true repentance (a 180 shift that takes time to see out of action) true relationship will be hard to have with said offenders. That is not to say you should hold bitterness toward them or not forgive! On the contrary you should do the opposite!
Latasha Morrison says “Ultimately that change of direction (also called repentance) requires righting the wrongs perpetuated.”
If someone has not righted the wrongs perpetuated forgive them but remember that to reconcile is your choice. Being a peace maker means you are going after peace through action and not just for the benefit of others at your expense but for yourself as well. To live in “peace with all” also includes your own heart and soul in the equation. A peace maker is not a passive stance but a person that takes initiative. Forgiving is an action step, setting healthy boundaries around those who are perpetuating wrongs against you regularly is another.
Lysa Terkeurst says “We set boundaries so we know what to do when we very much want to love those around us really well without loosing ourselves in process.”
I hope that encourages you when someone tries to pressure you to speed up the reconciliation process of a relationship before you are ready or before you see the fruits of true repentance.
Creating Exceptional 